My Pumpkin

Last night, I had the tiniest bit of spotting. Because of my previous bad experiences, I immediately tried to prepare for the worst. We were at a restaurant in downtown, and it seemed like the longest drive of my life to get home. As soon as we got here, I checked for blood, and there wasn't any. I couldn't sleep at all and kept getting up all night to check. Nothing. I called my doctor first thing this morning and they got me in for an ultrasound in the early afternoon. It just about killed me waiting all day. I was trying to figure out how I would tell everyone. I was reliving how my symptoms hadn't seemed as strong over the weekend. I was feeling stupid for feeling slightly secure. I still hadn't had any more bleeding.

The ultrasound showed a strong heartbeat, and no evident problems. My doctor was very reassuring, but I am still so scared. I go back in a little over a week for another ultrasound. I just feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack, and I can't really explain why. I saw proof that, for now, things are okay. Why am I still terrified? Will I feel better tomorrow, or am I really going to live like this, brimming with fear, for the next month? or longer?

Sadly, here are two pictures of my already protruding belly. I'm only seven weeks, but I look about the same as when I was sixteen or seventeen weeks pregnant last time.

Today is a good day meaning I only feel like throwing up 60% of the time. Yesterday was a long, long day. Neil and I went to the gym in the morning. I made it about 20 minutes on the elliptical machine before I realized I was either going to a) pass out and fall off machine or b) vomit my breakfast onto the rows of stationary bikes in front of me. Since neither was a good option, I had to go sit in the car and wait for Neil. I also realized that I now get extremely car sick, so if I'm not driving, I have to stick my head out the window like a dog. I came home, miserable in my queasiness and achiness, and stayed in bed almost all day. Staying in bed doesn't really help because I feel just as bad lying down as in any other position. It also is risky because when you feel too terrible to sleep, and you're too dizzy to read, what else can you do but watch TV? So, I watched TV, but television is laden with images so disgusting, I can't believe I never noticed before. The horror of Olive Garden and six dollar burgers and worst of all Weinerschnitzel's pizza hot dog (I'm gagging just thinking about it) is overwhelming.

What is really odd about this entire morning sickness extravaganza is that the only time I feel good is when I am eating. So, I force myself to try to eat something. Suddenly, something will sound good (yesterday, it was toasted wheat bread with marinara sauce and melted mozzarella) and I just have to have it. While I'm eating, I feel so good, I eat more (4 pieces of wheat toast pizzas). As soon as I finish eating, there is a two minute window where I feel semi-normal. Then, I suddenly feel nauseous, with the added bonus of being full and painfully bloated. That is when the heightened misery sets in.

So, I am eating my way through this terrible chapter in what I hope ends up being an easy pregnancy.

The news is good - so far

We had our first ultrasound today. I was terrified something was wrong and that today would be the day we would find out. As the ultrasound technician started, I grabbed Neil's hand and wondered how I would survive the next few moments between when she looked at the contents of my uterus, and either showed us the good news on the monitor, or kept it turned away so we could wait for our doctor to break the bad news. She showed us the screen almost immediately, and I felt some of the anxiety leave me. I saw the little blob on the side of the little sac, and was so thankful to see the little blinking cursor that is the heartbeat. It was 125 beats per minute, which is slower than Hayden's was, but still considered fine. Also, according to their measurements of the baby, I am only 6 weeks and 1 day (due June 6th), as opposed to the 6 weeks and 4 days (due June 3rd) that the dating method using my last period predicted. Neither date really matters since I will be having a repeat C-section and it will most likely be scheduled at the end of May.

I am feeling more confident in this pregnancy, but still too nervous to really count on it. My symptoms are almost overwhelming. I have morning sickness (progesterone posioning) for the first time ever, and as bad as it is, it reassures me. I'm not throwing up, but feeling queasy more often than not, and am grossed out by everything. I can't look at magazines with pictures of or sentences about food of any kind. Certain thought lead to other thoughts, which are then disgusting enough to make my stomach lurch. For example, we drove past a dairy today, I saw the cows, thought about the whole process of getting the milk from cow to store, imagined someone drinking a big glass of milk that came from inside one of those cows' bodies, and wanted to hurl. It also made me very glad I switched to soy milk a few weeks ago.

My stomach is popping ot already, which is unbelievable to me. I think I will be actually showing enough for other people to notice in a couple of weeks. Right now, I just look bloated. With a boob job.

I have relaxed the tiniest bit. I still worry when I don't feel queasy and when my boobs don't feel like they are straining against my bra to escape. But, I feel less like I'm having a never-ending anxiety attack and more like I am fluctuating between happiness and paranoia on a minute by minute basis.

I've had my blood drawn twice to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. Before the second miscarriage, my doctor had me take supplemental Progesterone. It obviously didn't work, but I tried it again, initially, with Hayden. I remember when I got my first blood test results that time, the doctor told me my Progesterone was very high - higher than people can achieve while taking supplemental Progesterone, so I was able to stop taking it. This time, it's a similar story. I didn't take Progesterone this time, but my level is very, very high, so I don't have to worry about it. Anything similar to my pregnancy with Hayden, I'm taking as a good sign.

The HCG level is supposed to double (or come close) every 48 hours. So, my level from Tuesday was 170, and Thursday (not quite 48 hours later) was up to 418. So, so far, all good signs. Very similar to last time. And I can breathe a little.

Those are about the only things that are similar to my last pregnancy. With Hayden, I remember being very tired, never the slightest bit nauseous, and hungry. All I wanted to do was eat. This time, the thought of food is really not enticing, and I have to make myself eat. It's not always that I feel sick, it's just that I'm not hungry at all. Which is weird, because even the non-pregnant me thinks about food. Alot. And, I'm not really that tired yet. I fell asleep on the couch three nights in a row last week, but this week, I haven't felt tired at all. And of course, that makes me worry.

So, now I just have to wait. I go for an ultrasound on the 12th, and I just hope all goes well from here on.