The wind is back today. It has picked up the forgotten ash. Now it coats everything again, making outdoor possessions look nostalgic, as if untouched for decades. It is like smoke in solid form enveloping what remains.

But Not Today

Usually,

I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day and
I'll never have a chance to rearrange my shoe shelves to make room for my new boots and shoes and
I wish I had time to organize the drawers in my bathroom vanity and
I need to take a nap and
I need to call back the people I haven't had time to talk to and
I have to remember to find out what the eighth song on Amnesiac is called because it's my new fave and I don't have the case in my car and
I wish I could just play with Hayden and not stress out about work and errands and
I should really give myself a facial because my skin is looking horrible.

But today...

There are too many hours in today. I rearranged, I reorganized, I didn't take a nap, but I did lie in bed with a good book while Hayden napped. I talked on the phone, discovered song 8 is "Dollars and Cents", and I played and played with Hayden until we ran out of things to do. And it was only five o'clock. I didn't know what to do to pass the time. For three and a half more hours, I tried to come up with things to fill up the night. I gave him an extra long bath, tried to get him to sing into a microphone, we played with maracas and a harmonica. Eventually, he got tired of me and played with his trucks while I watched last night's TIVO-ed Conan. Now he's in bed and Neil still won't be home for two hours. This is the longest day ever. And even if I had enough Kielh's products, a two hour facial wouldn't help.

The New Me

The new me still has mild panic attacks when cars approach from the left or right.

The new me does not underestimate the speed and fury of wildfire.

The new me watches four television shows regularly; 24, Carnivale, Survivor (thanks to Nicole for getting me hooked on all three), and Will and Grace (sometimes it's still funny).

The new me loves Chuck Palahniuk (thanks Julia!).

The new me likes putting links in blog entries.

The new me runs for fun and enjoys exercise (me and all the other moms starved for quiet, alone time). How the hell did that happen?

The new me doesn't get to see my friends as often as I'd like.

The new me is a bit more patient than the old me was.

The new me has a heart arrythmia and has to get it checked out on Monday.

The new me loves these boots




and the matching handbag



Can you imagine how perfect these would go with a mod black miniskirt and black mohair sweater??

But a grand for some shoes and a purse seems ridiculous - even to me.

The truth is the new me won't buy the above items because I can't afford them and not because I find it ridiculous. The old me couldn't afford them either.

About Bumper Stickers

i've been doing some thinking about bumper stickers. why do we feel a need to express ourselves to the commuting public? is it an attempt to present our best to the world? i think it's hilarious that we all (me included) want the world to know there's more to us than just the blank expression behind the steering wheel.

visualize world peace, or visualize using our turn signal, meat is murder, dump davis, these colors won't run, i'd rather be doing this or that, my other car is something witty, this profession does it like this, on and on and on...

some perplex me more than others...

like the whole fish or anti-fish controversy. forgive my ignorance - i don't really know what the fish means except that it's something about jesus. therefore, the person inside that particular Ford Explorer or Expedition believes in jesus and wants me to know they believe in jesus. got it. then there are the darwin fish-evolving-into-something-else people. these people believe in evolution and thus infuriate the fish people to such an extent that they felt the need to come up with more stickers. i've seen two such examples of fish-person revenge. one where the jesus-people depict their jesus-fish devouring the darwin fish-evolving creature in the name of truth. the other one shows darwin's grave and exclaims that only now does he believe in what the fish people knew all along. so, from this i gather that if you piss off jesus-fish-type people, they may eat you alive - cannibal style, or mock you while you eternally burn in hell.

another one...

we've all seen the Calvin character emitting a giant arc of urine on to some offending word while still apparently managing to be whimsical and not disgusting in the eyes of the general public. sorry - i find it extremely sad and tacky. what i find amusing, however, is the range of items the car owners have Calvin so proudly pissing on. there are Calvins pissing on Fords, and then Calvins pissing on Chevys. don't these cancel each other out? the one i saw today that really confused me was Calvin pissing on "MY EX." and yes it was on a big red-necky truck. and no, i did not see the owner, but do i really need to see him? i think i can safely assume quite a lot about an individual that would put that on his vehicle. does he wait in vain for the day his "EX" pulls up along side him, witnesses his feelings depicted on his witty decal, and drives away sobbing? does his new girlfriend ride around in the cab of that truck triumphantly because she knows that he doesn't want to piss on her (at the present time anyway) and that must mean she's better than the "EX"? doesn't it seem strange for someone to take the time and effort to buy and display a bumpersticker about an ex-wife or girlfriend? i think our friend the red-neck needs to move on and put his past behind him. someone has some communication issues and must be in desperate need of closure.

so, what's on your car? i'm not above all of this. i have a radiohead decal on my car. why? because i love radiohead and i enjoy driving a minivan with a radiohead sticker. i think it's interesting. neil doesn't have any stickers, but he does drive around with my SDSU alumni license plate frame. imposter. i guess this means you can't believe everything you read...on cars.

Halloween

in spite of everything going on, we managed to have a good halloween. we made halloween cookies:

cookies.jpg

i'm not the cookie-making-type, and this was probably the first time i'd made cookies in ten years, but it was fun.

we took hayden to a little halloween carnival at the country club. he was determined to infiltrate the musical chairs game. we had to keep pulling him back for fear he'd be trampled by tiny bat men, sponge bobs, and snow whites.

halloween.bmp

we went trick-or-treating after dark. there weren't many people out. hayden got a ton of candy - and he won't eat a bite!



it was a halloweeny good time!

i have too much to write to bother with capitalization and appropriate punctuation. i don't even know where to begin. i guess i'll begin at the beginning.

neil and i went to a funeral on saturday and went to neil's mom's to pick up hayden afterward. we noticed there was a small fire a couple of miles from her house. she and neil's brother were very nervous about it. neil and i must have each told them a hundred times that it was nothing. that we had been here for however many years and trust us, we've seen some fires, and this is not even worth worrying about. we went home. we had dinner. went to bed.

neil's brother calls at about 11:00 to tell us it is getting bigger. we say sure -whatever. back to bed. our phone rings at 1:00 in the morning- neil's mom again saying they are probably going to evacuate soon and that they didn't want to come here, the fire is coming towards us. back to bed. phone rings again ten minutes later. it is our next door neighbors saying they drove up the hill, took a look, and the fire is pretty bad - better get up. the next thing i know, neil is out back, with sprinklers and hoses and shovels. the wind is blowing. it's smoky, but still so far away. i consider taking a shower just in case i do have to go anywhere. instead, i back up all the work i've been doing on to a cd. neil's mom keeps calling - they are leaving. we should leave. we still don't think it's a big deal. i look outside again. this time, i see a huge inferno - a big mountain glowing red and then darker red like hot hot charcoal in a barbecue. a line of cars trying to get out. neil's mom calls again saying you have to go now. please go now. neil and our neighbors say not yet - we're still okay. i load the car. i grab photo albums and camcorder tapes and baby books. then, one change of clothes (one), toothbrushes (no toothpaste), my guitars. what else? i am frantic trying to decide what to pack. run outside again. our neighbors are all outside, trying to decide what the hell to do. there are no firetrucks, no notice to evacuate, just fire and wind and confusion. neil is on the roof, hosing down the house when he realizes burning embers are blowing on to him and on to our roof. he says okay, we have to go. i get in the van with hayden and halley. he gets in the accord. he forgot something and goes back and while i wait at the bottom of our driveway, i look up at our house. i try to figure out what weird looking light i left on inside and then i realize it is the house glowing orange from the fire behind it. it is so close. we become part of the huge line of cars all escaping the one and only way out of the estates. i see people on the side of the road with horses. we go to the stater brothers parking lot, and then on to julian.

the next day, we decided we'd see if our house was still standing. we somehow made it in even though the roads were all supposedly closed. our whole little community was actively burning as we passed through. we drove closer to our house and the medians in the road were on fire. we got to our street and i saw the first burned down house. it was heartbreaking. the hill behind my house was still burning and the wind was even stronger than the night before. we tried to stay and help and protect and went out back with our hoses, but it was too dangerous. The ground was still so hot and the fire was still so out of control. our neighbors were further up our street, trying to help save one house while the one next to it burned to the ground. we still never saw a single firetruck. houses were burning, hills were burning, and there was just nothing we could do, and while we all tried to do something, we knew it was more than we could handle. we left knowing our house was there for the moment, but may not make it through the morning.

a few days later, we were able to go home. i still can't believe our house made it. the fire burned so close to us. so close to all of the houses on this side of the estates. we all back to open space. we all used to have lovely views. neil and i hiked way way back behind our house this morning. it looks like the moon. this is the view out of hayden's window now:



our house is intact and besides losing a couple of fruit trees everything's okay. we'll have to clean the carpet (the two week old carpet) and upholstery and replace the window coverings. minor minor stuff. it's amazing that you can fit everything that really matters into one car load with room to spare.