I actually slept last night. I have been waking up every thirty minutes trying to get comfortable for many weeks now. In fact, I had been feeling so pregnant that it hardly seemed possible I was only in the first trimester, and it was terrifying to think how much longer I would remain in this state, getting larger and larger by the day. Over the weekend, either my morning sickness returned with a vengeance, or I had a stomach virus. Whatever the cause, I was miserable and throwing up for two and a half days. But, today, I woke up and felt normal and well rested. And hungry.

Today was also the first day I was allowed to pick up some of my regular activities. So, I was able to return to yoga. It felt so good to be back at the gym, and all my nice yoga friends were sweet and lied and said I was tiny and didn't even look pregnant. They all swore they looked my size when they were six weeks along with their second babies. I appreciated their deception.

Today, Hayden was extremely well behaved. After the gym, I took him for a haircut and to pick up a few things at Target. He was polite and cooperative all day. When we got home, we read the copy of Polar Express we had just bought. Our special package came with a little silver bell and after we finished the story, I handed him the bell so he could shake it to see if he could hear the sound...the sound you can only hear if you believe in Christmas. His reaction made me burst into tears, and I cried for quite a while after. I cried because today, I absolutely appreciate

• not feeling sick today
• being hayden's Mom
• Neil
• how having children makes the holidays infinitely more meaningful
• my family
• looking like I'm pregnant and not just pudgy
• hearing that tiny baby's heartbeat
• living in Southern California where I can swim in November
• sleeping through the night
• making it to twelve weeks in this pregnancy

Things are still about the same. We rented a Doppler so we could listen to the heart beat at home, like we did when I was pregnant with Hayden. It has really helped to reassure me and alleviate some of the anxiety. I am still bored out of my mind, but my next ultrasound is tomorrow, and I'm hoping the hemorrhage is healing, and that I'll be able to slowly start resuming my normal life. We have just about everything ready to move Hayden into the bigger bedroom upstairs. We are hoping our contractor will be able to do the painting and put up the moulding soon, so we can have him all moved by Chrsitmas. We still haven't decided for sure which bedroom set we're buying, but I did decide on the bedding.

I'm hoping the holidays will make the time go by quicker. I am 11 weeks and 3 days today, and I just can't wait to hit that 13 week mark and be out of the first trimester!

The last week hasn't been easy. I was so lucky that my pregnancy with Hayden was so uneventful. After the previous losses, I don't think I could have handled very many bumps in the road. This time, I'm trying to handle things, but it's very, very hard.

After more light bleeding all day Sunday, I went back for another ultrasound first thing Monday morning. The baby is still okay, growing well and the heart rate has been 167 the last three times we've checked. But, I found out that I have what is called a subchorionic hemorrhage. It sounds worse than it is. It's a spot where the sac containing the baby has pulled away from the uterine wall. The gap fills with blood, and this is probably what has been causing the bleeding. Most of the time, these heal on their own, and don't pose a risk to the pregnancy. It has now been four days, and seeing even the tiniest amount of blood, even when you expect to see it, still makes my heart sink each time. My doctor did say my "gap" was small, and would probably be fine, but I can't help but worry. I'm not on official bedrest, but I am not allowed to exercise at all, can't walk any more than just around my house. I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy, and I'm not to drive long distances. The day before this episode started, Neil, Hayden and I rode 10 miles on our bikes, and then Hayden and I were out shopping until 8:00 at night. I carried a million heavy grocery bags in from the car, and I guess that could have really caused or aggravated the situation.

All I want to do is make it to my next ultrasound on Wednesday and see that all is still well. Having my activity limited, though, is making the time really drag. I am beyond bored, and the only thing I seem to be able to do consistently is worry. I really wanted to be able to just go about life this time, and just be pregnant too, like I see so many women doing. I guess it's just not in the cards for me - at least not right now.

Pumpkins, poker, pregnancy, and what not...