Long story short

My computer crashed and lost the post I wrote detailing everything that "went down" with the whole Phoenix thing. I have no desire to type it all again, so here is the condensed version:

San Diego = good
Phoenix = bad

Neil and I decided we'd need certain things to keep us sane (living on a golf course in a big house with a pool so we could see the green course and blue water and ignore the hellish wasteland we were really living in) and the necessary salary to do so. We decided if the offer was right, we'd go. The "offer" (if you can call it that) was presented over the phone as an ultimatum. They asked Neil if he was willing to move before they would give any details about the salary or the relocation package. Neil was preparing to negotiate and said it would have to be a really good offer because we'd be giving up so much. That was pretty much it - they said they didn't have time to draw up an offer for someone who wasn't really interested and they didn't want to have to talk someone into doing something they didn't want to do. So, we are off the hook. We're happy but also confused - Neil was the best candidate and they sure didn't try very hard to get him. Little did they know we would have gone if they would have just started the negotiations. They ended up giving the position to a guy who was like number six out of nine on the list after doing all the interviews, but he just happens to already live in Phoenix, the poor bastard...

So, now I can start eating and sleeping again and I can stop crying every time I see a green lawn or think about the ocean. Yay San Diego!

I have cried more today than I have in a very long time. I think I'm probably a bit overwhelmed - overwhelmed by things other people seem to handle rather easily. I am crying because Hayden is turning two tomorrow and two is just the first step in the line of three and four and ten and sixteen and there's just no stopping time. I'm crying because I realize this is how life rushes past while you're at the grocery store and picking up your dry cleaning. I'm crying because it is happening and it is as beautiful as I thought it would be and more and it's the regret of not being able to hold on to it.

I'm also crying because Neil and I have to make a huge decision that could turn out to be the best thing we've done for the future of our family or it could be the worst. That sounds so dramatic, but I don't care - it feels dramatic. Neil's company wants him to take a promotion - it is a big promotion - and it is one that involves us moving to Phoenix and Neil dropping out of his MBA program, and then picking it back up in August through another school. Neil has been offered other jobs in Phoenix and we have turned them down. But, this time, we both feel different. We both feel like we have to go and we don't want to go. It's not like we feel pressure coming from any outside source. We both have an internal feeling saying this is what we have to do. I don't know if I can do it and I don't know if I can not do it.

Everyone I love is here and I don't' know what it's like to be away from the people you love. I am afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid I'll hate it. I'm afraid I won't have any friends and I'll be trapped in the house all day every day with nothing to do except wait for Neil to come home and entertain me. I'm afraid Neil won't be able to take the pressure of a demanding new job, young son, and a suddenly hyper-needy wife. I know people do this all the time, but I don't know these people. I don't know what it's like. I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know how I can take Hayden away from all of these people who love him so much. At the same time, I know if we make sacrifices now, all of our lives could be much better once Neil achieves his ultimate goals. It's about money and the things you can do with certain amounts of money. I don't care about driving a damn BMW; it's about being able to travel, pay for good schools, Neil retiring while he's still young enough to enjoy it.

I keep hoping the official offer won't actually come because I don't know if I can come out and make the decision I'm afraid is the right one. I hope someone has some advice to offer - I am lost...

Paul Simon wrote some great lyrics...here are the ones I love:

1. "The poor boy changes clothes and puts on aftershave / to compensate for his ordinary shoes..."

2. "The Mississippi delta was shining like a National guitar / I am following the river down the highway through the cradle of the civil war..."

3. "A cooling system / Burns out the Ukraine / Trees and umbrellas / Protect us from the new rain / Armies of engineers / To analyze the soil / The food we contemplate / The water that we boil"

4. "Sometimes I see your face / as if through reading glasses / and your smile seems softer than it was"

5. "I know a man / he came from my home town / he wore his passion for his woman / like a thorny crown / He said 'Delores / I live in fear / my love for you’s so overpowering / I’m afraid that I will disappear'"

6. "A man walks down the street / It’s a street in a strange world / Maybe it’s the third world / Maybe it’s his first time around / He doesn’t speak the language / He holds no currency / He is a foreign man / He is surrounded by the sound / The sound / Cattle in the marketplace / Scatterlings and orphanages / He looks around, around / He sees angels in the architecture / Spinning in infinity / He says Amen and Hallelujah"

7. "She says 'Ooh my storybook lover / You have underestimated my power / As you shortly will discover'
Then I fall to my knees / Shake a rattle at the skies / And I’m afraid that I’ll be taken / Abandoned, forsaken / In her cold coffee eyes"

...aren't they beautiful!?

MIA

I've been too busy to blog, but I will return...