With so many hypothetical situations going on in our heads, it's no wonder we feel so lost at the moment. We have decided to try to conceive in October. That's our plan, but with how erratic my cycle has been, I have no idea if this will even be physically possible. I finally did get my period over the weekend, but it had been over three months since the last one. My late, late, late period also explains why I had inexplicably gained four pounds and why I cried in my boss' office on Friday. It's somewhat of a relief...I was so troubled by my weight gain I had added hard core cycling classes and extra cardio to my already four-day-a-week gym routine. I was so upset about my bad day at work that Neil and I broke out our budget and it was quite disappointing to see we would have to give up everything we hold dear to go without my income. I freaked out and started worrying about what I would do if I lost my job, and then felt almost crushed under the weight of knowing I need the job, and on and on and on. So, now that I know I was probably extremely hormonal (to make up for three months!), I feel that things are not as bleak as they had seemed.

In two weeks, Hayden starts preschool. On the same day, Neil interviews for a promotion. It isn't for an immediate placement, but more to be evaluated and placed, according to your ranking in the interview process, as positions become available. On his paperwork, Neil wrote that he was relocatable only within Southern California. At the time, this seemed like a good thing to write. But, now, here we are with a new company, and facing the same damn problem as we did a a year and a half ago. Why do we have to keep facing this moving thing? Why can't things just happen for us here?

Hayden is just about to start preschool and isn't far from being old enough to play soccer and tee ball and whatever else he shows interest in. I love my house. I love my neighborhood. I love my family and friends being so close. I love my gym. I love my neighborhood friends and their kids. I love getting together with them during the week at the pool and park and at each other's houses.

I finally connected in this community and I really see our future here. I can see Hayden going to school here, and having another child here. If Neil did get promoted, I could definitely give up working for good, but I don't know if that is a good enough reason to leave our home.

If we do have another baby, do I really want to go through it all on my own - even if it is still Southern California?

All the same questions we faced before - only now I am even more attached to this place.

Neil and I just got home from three (technically four) days in Vegas. It was a less-Vegas-y Vegas trip than we've ever taken before. The first night, we were actually back to our room at 10:00. PM!

We went to the pool. We shopped. I went to the gym. Neil read the paper. We went to the movies every day we were there. We only gambled for a few hours each night, so we stayed out of the casinos most of the time. We're home now, and it did feel like a vacation and neither of us has the 48 hour Vegas hangover of old.

It didn't happen in Vegas, but something else has happened, something surprising. Neil and I are going to start trying for another baby in October. We're waiting until October so I can get the medicines I've been taking totally out of my system. I wasn't going to write about this, or even tell anyone - I guess out of superstition. And maybe I won't say it out loud to anyone besides Neil. The surprising part is that we know. We know this is the right time.

When I was pregnant this first time, we told everyone as soon as we found out. Then, we had to tell everyone when I miscarried. The second time, we didn't tell anyone. So, we had to tell everyone that I had been pregnant, and that I had miscarried again in the same conversation. The third time, we waited until I was 12 weeks, then we told people, but I never felt confident in the pregnancy until I was about 7 months along, and I didn't let anyone else really believe in it either . It didn't matter if people knew or didn't know. It happened and it happened again and then it didn't happen.

Neil and I were married for six years before we felt we were ready to have a baby. After four or five years, I started to wonder why I hadn't felt it yet...If I ever would. Then, suddenly, we both knew. There was no question. When I was pregnant with Hayden, and somewhat confident that we would make it to term, I remember being just so amazed at how wrong people are when they say there isn't ever a perfect time to start a family, or that you're never completely ready for it. For us, there was, and we were.

For the first year of Hayden's life, I didn't think much about having another baby. There was no rush, and we had planned on waiting a few years. When Hayden was 18 months, Neil started his MBA, and then it seemed only logical to wait until he was closer to being done. We decided we'd try at the end of the year. Christmas time came and went and we didn't want to get pregnant. We just kept pushing our date back further. I really started to wonder what was wrong with me and why I didn't want another baby. Then slowly, I started to feel a little more positive about it. We talked about it a little, but we were both ambivalent. That's where we've been the last few months. I don't know exactly when it happened, but that same certainty we felt almost 5 years ago settled upon both of us again. We are both ready and excited and sure.

I'm nervous to write about any of this, but my common sense knows what I say or type can't affect the things that will happen or won't happen in my body. I'm afraid I won't be able to get pregnant this time. I haven't had my period for three months now. I'm hoping my period comes back and I start ovulating, but I am making an appointment with my OB/GYN today to see about inducing my period, and there is the possibility of fertility medications to get me ovulating again. I'm afraid if I do conceive, that I will miscarry. That is the reality. What we went through before having Hayden seemed like the greatest injustice in the world at the time. It was the most pain I had ever felt. Looking back now, those were small, horrible bumps in the road that led to us being parents. It just happened that way and now we have the son we were supposed to have, and we are ready to face the uncertainty that will lead to the next part of our family. Whatever that is. Whenever that is.

We are ready for it.

After watching Six Feet Under last night, I had a dream about my less-than-ideal recovery from some sort of accident or illness. I was first explaining the aftermath to my next door neighbors while my friend sat in my car, waiting to go to Pilates class. She was getting impatient waiting, and I finally got in the car and apologized as we started driving away. I broke down and told her it was just hard to quickly tell someone that "they" had to take your eyes. Somehow, I was still driving a car, but I had empty eye sockets behind my sunglasses. She was shocked and felt bad for being bitchy, and kept trying to get a peek behind my glasses.

It was a creepy dream and I have been thinking about it all morning. In the same dream, I was late everywhere. Late to Pilates, late meeting Neil to pick out a new cell phone, late to run back home and get Hayden a different outfit to wear to a baseball game. Oh, and we had also replaced our dog Haley with a large black poodle, only to find, with regret, that dog didn't come when we called it either.

Hayden just came running in here, explaining that he only had one "A" and couldn't spell what he wanted for dinner tonight.



I told him he wouldn't be home for dinner tonight since he would be at his Grandma's, but that we could have Yakisoba for dinner tomorrow. And then I thought to myself, "Am I really having this conversation with a three year old? A three year old that can spell Yakisoba?"