With so many hypothetical situations going on in our heads, it's no wonder we feel so lost at the moment. We have decided to try to conceive in October. That's our plan, but with how erratic my cycle has been, I have no idea if this will even be physically possible. I finally did get my period over the weekend, but it had been over three months since the last one. My late, late, late period also explains why I had inexplicably gained four pounds and why I cried in my boss' office on Friday. It's somewhat of a relief...I was so troubled by my weight gain I had added hard core cycling classes and extra cardio to my already four-day-a-week gym routine. I was so upset about my bad day at work that Neil and I broke out our budget and it was quite disappointing to see we would have to give up everything we hold dear to go without my income. I freaked out and started worrying about what I would do if I lost my job, and then felt almost crushed under the weight of knowing I need the job, and on and on and on. So, now that I know I was probably extremely hormonal (to make up for three months!), I feel that things are not as bleak as they had seemed.

In two weeks, Hayden starts preschool. On the same day, Neil interviews for a promotion. It isn't for an immediate placement, but more to be evaluated and placed, according to your ranking in the interview process, as positions become available. On his paperwork, Neil wrote that he was relocatable only within Southern California. At the time, this seemed like a good thing to write. But, now, here we are with a new company, and facing the same damn problem as we did a a year and a half ago. Why do we have to keep facing this moving thing? Why can't things just happen for us here?

Hayden is just about to start preschool and isn't far from being old enough to play soccer and tee ball and whatever else he shows interest in. I love my house. I love my neighborhood. I love my family and friends being so close. I love my gym. I love my neighborhood friends and their kids. I love getting together with them during the week at the pool and park and at each other's houses.

I finally connected in this community and I really see our future here. I can see Hayden going to school here, and having another child here. If Neil did get promoted, I could definitely give up working for good, but I don't know if that is a good enough reason to leave our home.

If we do have another baby, do I really want to go through it all on my own - even if it is still Southern California?

All the same questions we faced before - only now I am even more attached to this place.