I have cried more today than I have in a very long time. I think I'm probably a bit overwhelmed - overwhelmed by things other people seem to handle rather easily. I am crying because Hayden is turning two tomorrow and two is just the first step in the line of three and four and ten and sixteen and there's just no stopping time. I'm crying because I realize this is how life rushes past while you're at the grocery store and picking up your dry cleaning. I'm crying because it is happening and it is as beautiful as I thought it would be and more and it's the regret of not being able to hold on to it.

I'm also crying because Neil and I have to make a huge decision that could turn out to be the best thing we've done for the future of our family or it could be the worst. That sounds so dramatic, but I don't care - it feels dramatic. Neil's company wants him to take a promotion - it is a big promotion - and it is one that involves us moving to Phoenix and Neil dropping out of his MBA program, and then picking it back up in August through another school. Neil has been offered other jobs in Phoenix and we have turned them down. But, this time, we both feel different. We both feel like we have to go and we don't want to go. It's not like we feel pressure coming from any outside source. We both have an internal feeling saying this is what we have to do. I don't know if I can do it and I don't know if I can not do it.

Everyone I love is here and I don't' know what it's like to be away from the people you love. I am afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid I'll hate it. I'm afraid I won't have any friends and I'll be trapped in the house all day every day with nothing to do except wait for Neil to come home and entertain me. I'm afraid Neil won't be able to take the pressure of a demanding new job, young son, and a suddenly hyper-needy wife. I know people do this all the time, but I don't know these people. I don't know what it's like. I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know how I can take Hayden away from all of these people who love him so much. At the same time, I know if we make sacrifices now, all of our lives could be much better once Neil achieves his ultimate goals. It's about money and the things you can do with certain amounts of money. I don't care about driving a damn BMW; it's about being able to travel, pay for good schools, Neil retiring while he's still young enough to enjoy it.

I keep hoping the official offer won't actually come because I don't know if I can come out and make the decision I'm afraid is the right one. I hope someone has some advice to offer - I am lost...