Where did this BOY come from?
or
What happened to my baby?

Seriously - how did this happen?










One day, you're nursing this infant at your breast, then suddenly, he's sitting on the kitchen floor, eating Wheat Thins, and singing "Shake Shake Shake...Shake Your Bootie."

I love words - written, sung, spoken. I majored in English. I'm a technical writer. Every now and then, I remember to take the time to look for good books to buy, and then, try to make time to read them. However, I recently realized something about myself that is quite disappointing to...myself. Intelligent, literate folks approach new books with a certain respect and read each word carefully, making the most of the experience. A book, if well written, should be consumed slowly and purposefully. A proper reader takes the time to not only appreciate the author's artistry, but to also stop every now and then and contemplate the symbolism, recurring themes, the underlying messages. I find myself, instead, gorging myself on the words...reading so fast I skip sentences and have to sometimes glance back up at a paragraph to make sure I haven't missed a plot-altering line. I can picture my brain processing the words in the same way an old typewriter bangs letters on the line then boomerangs its carriage back to start again. I can almost imagine my head moving from left to right, and then "ding"...back to start the next sentence. I feel I'm a glutton at a book buffet instead of a connoisseur of fine literature. I need help.

Today I saw two men who looked so far from real that I can't seem to get it out of my head. I was driving through the burned out hills, going to the grocery store, and I slowed as I approached a "Road Work Ahead" sign. A crew was doing some work off on a bank to the right of the road and two men stood in the road way controlling traffic. As I moved through the orange cones, I passed the man holding the "Slow" sign in my lane. I couldn't believe how much he looked like Hitler. He was short and Hispanic, with a small square moustache right above his lip. He was as small as a ten year old child. The second guy working the oncoming traffic's lane turned toward me as I passed him. He was taller, but so emaciated, it hurt to look at him. It was startling, really, to see such a wisp of a man. They were both so out of the ordinary that I really looked at each of them, but when they looked back at me, it was like they were pictures from a history book with their flat, dark eyes. They both had that particular expressionless that seems tied to a forgotten time and out of place in the present. The Hitler-man even seemed to turn his head and rotate his sign in that jerky, old-fashioned way that marks old film footage of the actual Hitler. The thin man seemed to have dropped from the sky right into his orange vest, and wavered in the wind, vulnerable to it. I'm not the type to look for signs, or believe premonitions, but this just felt ominous. About what, I can't say. But, I took an alternate route home.

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The Sequel

We like to have a plan, and so we planned to start "trying" for our next baby next Christmas. Up until a few months ago, that seemed a little too fast. I fully enjoy the order in our house now that Hayden is nearly two. Suddenly, I find myself longing to be pregnant again. I can barely remember what it was like to hear the heartbeat, to feel a kick, to wonder who was inhabiting my uterus. From the time you really feel secure in the pregnancy until the end, it's like being on the verge of a fantastic discovery...every day a little closer to seeing the mystery revealed. I miss those days.

There is something so serene about a tiny little baby sleeping on your chest - even if you are up at 3:30 in the morning for the twenty third straight day, watching the second airing of the night's Conan O'Brien show. I knew this would happen. I am trying to remind myself of the sheer sleep deprivation, the torture of early breastfeeding, the baby vomit stains on every article of clothing you can squeeze your bloated body into. Oh, and of course labor. Though, this time I'll be "lucky" and only have to deal with the C-section.

This is how the universe works. Life is quite simple once you've adjusted to a single child in your life. Things are calm, predictable, stable, just about perfect. But, the universe is full of chaos, and our biology leads us to be accomplices in the disorder. I look forward to filling our lives with a little chaos in a couple years.

Hooray 2004!

I hate to be negative, but let's face it, if you were me, or related to me in any way, 2003 pretty much sucked ass. Here's a recap:
1. Major car accident in May 2003 - other driver uninsured.
2. Home remodel painfully behind schedule - ends up being a five month ordeal
3. Dog bitten by rattlesnake - almost dies - lives (thankfully) but incurs a $2000 vet bill (I'm happy to pay, but it still kind of sucks).
4. Kaiser misdiagnoses my bladder infection - develops into serious kidney infections - almost kills me.
5. Neil's Dad diagnosed with cancer.
6. Fires - house almost burns down - still dealing with ash everywhere
7. Neil's Grandma passes away
8. Brother attacked at jack in the box.

So, bring on 2004! I know it's going to be a good year. This is how it started:





and then:



and yesterday we went to Disneyland and California Adventure:




2004!!!