Moody

While I seem to have come to accept the election results, I wonder if maybe I'm still depressed. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the schedule, whatever the cause, something has me feeling weird and I haven't been able to shake it for a few days. I think maybe I'm just down because the last couple of weeks have been very slow, with very little excitement to break up the monotony. I've been on my own with Hayden almost the entire time, and when Neil is home, he is doing homework. Hayden's also been sick, so we have been stuck at home, which really makes me feel like a caged animal. Since I have nothing to distract me, I'm obsessing over why I am feeling like this, and over-analyzing the hell out of myself.

This hour, I am thinking that the schedule is just hard right now, and life has sucked for quite a few days in a row, but that it will pass. Next weekend, Neil and I are going to L.A. to see Wilco and I know we are going to have a great time. A few hours ago, I was thinking that it's because I am a childish idiot who is having trouble adjusting to a life where I am now at the bottom of the list, after living in a relationship for thirteen years where I was at the top. This morning, I thought maybe I was unfulfilled and need to go back to school or take up some new pastime. Last night, I thought maybe I needed to get together with some friends and just feel like there is something besides this house, Hayden's world, Neil's job, Neil's school. Which led me to the observation that none of my friends are in the same circumstance I am. This makes it extremely hard to coordinate things. Mainly, though, I realized that while I am really good at inviting people over for organized, formal parties a few times a year, I suck at making simple plans with the people I care about. I have always expected my friends to do it. And, now with everyone's lives as busy as they are, I find myself without those types of plans all together. I never really thought about it as being up to me. Selfish. Egotistical.

So, I need to take the initiative and make plans. And to remember that they don't have to be so over the top. Usually, when I make plans, it's for some kind of big event, or trip, or concert. I never call anyone to just hang out, or go out to eat. Never. And that is probably a big cause of my current state of mind.